


What We'll Become.

by nyonya_laura



Series: The End. [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Boys Kissing, Confused Castiel, Dean In Love, Destiel - Freeform, Episode: s05e16 Dark Side of the Moon, Episode: s05e22 Swan Song, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Inexperienced Castiel, Innocent Castiel, Kissing, M/M, POV Dean, POV Dean Winchester, References to Croatoan/Endverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2018-10-18 20:49:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10624881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyonya_laura/pseuds/nyonya_laura
Summary: After his stay in the future, Dean struggles with his feelings for Castiel. He has fallen in love, only, the angel has no idea.





	1. Always here for you.

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after ''Why the hell not bury myself in decadence?''. So I would suggest reading that first if you haven't yet.

It had been months now since it happened; months since Zachariah sent him to that future to teach him a lesson. It was definitely a while ago. Nevertheless, the time he spent there… It was all still on Dean’s mind constantly. 

These days, he would often find himself distracted or lost in thoughts, and most of those times, it would be Cas who he would catch himself thinking about. The angel seemed to be on his mind all the friggin time lately and Dean couldn’t even help it. It actually was starting to get annoying, how often Castiel crossed his mind. 

In fact, both versions of him did.

Frequently, Dean would still think about that other Cas, the one from that future. The Castiel who had told Dean that he loved him. 

The memory of it- of Cas telling him that while they lied in bed together was both sweet and painful all at once. And Dean missed him. He really did… 

It had been especially difficult right in the beginning, when Dean suddenly found himself back in his own time. It was an adjustment; he’d basically been spending all his time in that future with Cas and suddenly he was just… gone. And it just felt so strange to be without him so suddenly. 

In those two short weeks, Dean had gotten so used to having Cas around, gotten used to spending all his time with him and seeing him every day. He’d even gotten used to waking up next to him every morning…

Dean really missed that, missed him. And yes, that version of Cas was a little broken and a little messed up, but Dean hadn’t lied to him when he told Cas that he loved him back. It simply was the truth, and even though that scared him a little, it didn’t make it any less true. 

He hated how it all had ended. That last day… Dean still couldn’t believe how everything could have gone so horribly wrong. Both Cas and his future double had fucking died, and even though he kind of hated that version of himself, that didn’t mean he was happy to see Lucifer snap the guy’s neck right in front of him. He was an asshole but he didn’t deserve that, and Cas deserved what happened to him even less...

He hadn’t exactly seen how Cas had gone down, but Dean knew it couldn’t have been pretty. Mostly, he just tried not to think about it since that was just too painful. And maybe it was for the best that he hadn’t been there when Cas had died, because Dean honestly doubted that he’d ever be able to get that image out of his head.

So yeah, Dean had trouble letting it all go, and just kept thinking about what would’ve happened if he’d just handled things differently. Maybe things wouldn’t have turned out as badly as they had… He’d known that his future-self had been planning something… Perhaps he could have stopped him. Maybe if he had, Cas wouldn’t have died… 

However, Dean also knew that it was pointless to dwell on those kinds of thoughts. It had no use to think about it and he knew he needed to let go and accept that what’s done was done. That he couldn’t change what happened… So, he tried. However, it wasn’t easy. 

It helped though that he was back in his own year again. As much as he’d enjoyed spending all that time with Cas in that future, it still felt good to be back again. It felt _right…_ It simply was where he belonged.

He’d taken Cas’s advice and reunited with Sam and generally things were good. Or at least, as good as things could get in the middle of the apocalypse... Times were definitely shitty but Cas was right in saying that reuniting with Sam was the right thing to do. They really were stronger as a team. And other than that, it also just felt good, being on the road with his brother again.

What Dean also liked about being back was that he got to see Cas again. The _real_ Cas. 

This Castiel was still so completely himself and that gave Dean comfort. He was still just as he was supposed to be; still whole and proud and strong, and it simply was good to see him like that. All badass, holy Angel of the Lord and not taking shit from anybody. 

Unfortunately, Dean didn’t see get to see him all that often. But, they did cross paths every once in a while. Dean was always happy to see him whenever he would show up. Because it was so comforting to see him; he had lost that other Cas, and Dean _hated_ that, but having Castiel around reminded him that it wasn’t all bad, because Cas wasn’t gone completely. 

He still had Castiel, alive and well. 

_This Cas..._ Dean really liked having him around. The angel would drop by every once in a while, mostly for apocalypse related business, and to Dean’s surprise, acting normal around Cas was not even all that difficult. He actually felt he was doing pretty okay in acting as if nothing had changed. 

Dean had really worried about that at first; he had thought that after everything that happened when he was in that future, he probably would have trouble acting normal whenever Cas was around. However, he managed. 

That wasn’t to say it was easy, because it so wasn’t… Just because he was relatively successful in keeping up appearances and in acting normal, that didn’t mean that the whole thing wasn’t messing with his head. Just after everything he’d done in that future and after everything he’d experienced with that other version of Castiel, things did feel kind of… strange now whenever Cas was around. 

It was just such a weird situation and Dean didn’t know how to handle it. 

Because, the whole thing was just so messed up; he liked Cas- was _in love_ with him even, and had shared all those intimate moments with him... Only… Cas didn’t know about any of that. Cas didn’t know that they had kissed, that they’d had sex and that they’d told each other they loved one another. Castiel didn’t know about any of that, and that just felt so… wrong. 

Dean really missed that closeness, but unfortunately for him, this version of Cas was all business. Or at least, he mostly was anyways. Because every so often, there were these moments between them, moments when Cas would let his hair down and come to him for no particular reason at all. And it always would be him who Cas would seek out, never Sam or Bobby, and Dean secretly loved that- that it was he who Cas was always turning to first. 

In those moments, they would just talk a little and Dean would even sometimes lightly flirt with Cas even though the angel never understood; he probably wouldn’t get flirting if it hit him in the face… However, that didn’t matter because it was always nice and sometimes it would even feel so similar to how it was with that other Cas.

However, in those moments, it was always especially difficult for Dean to hold back everything he was feeling. As of late, he was always feeling this inclination to touch Cas or to be near him, but Dean knew that he couldn’t do that. Still, he often found himself wanting to.

Just like he wanted to right now...

Castiel was leaning against the divider of their motel room while he and Sam were busy packing up their gear. However, Dean’s eyes were focused on Cas, rather than on his task. Because Cas was just standing there, looking lost and hopeless... And Dean wanted nothing more than to give the angel some comfort. 

He and Sam had just told him everything that Joshua had told them before resurrecting them, however the angel didn’t seem to be taking the news all that well. He hadn’t even said anything yet. He only stood there, with a lost and despondent look on his face and Dean couldn’t recall seeing Castiel like this ever before. So _miserable..._

__

‘Maybe… Maybe Joshua was lying.’ Cas said finally.

__

Both he and Sam looked at the angel and then briefly at each other. ‘I don’t think he was, Cas. I’m sorry.’ Sam, who was also looking at Cas with a compassionate look on his face, said. 

__

Castiel slowly moved into the entryway and looked up. ‘You son of a bitch. I believed in…’ He said desperately, so softly Dean almost missed it. 

__

Castiel was still looking up, as if he was searching above for a sign, for something, _anything..._ However, there was nothing, and now Dean really wanted to approach him; wanted to hold him and tell him things were going to be okay. Desperately did he want to offer Cas some comfort, though he knew he couldn’t.

__

Cas then turned back to him and Sam and looked at Dean. Dean frowned as he watched Castiel pull something from his trench coat pocket.

__

‘I don’t need this anymore.’ He said and tossed it to Dean.

__

_It was his necklace…_

__

‘It’s worthless.’ Cas said before turning away from him again.

__

‘Cas. Wait.’ Sam said, however, Castiel just shook his head dejectedly. 

__

‘I’m sorry… I need to g-’

__

‘Cas, hold up.’ Dean said and acted before he even knew what he was doing, gripping Cas by the shoulder before he could fly away. Dean felt like he was just in time too. 

__

Dean cleared his throat. ‘Come outside with me for a minute, will you?’ He asked when he released his hold on Cas. Cas just looked at him hesitantly. So, Dean added, ‘Please?’

__

Cas then nodded and followed Dean outside. 

__

The impala wasn’t parked far away from their room so Dean walked over to his car. Once there, he leaned against the hood and Cas did the same. 

__

Dean sighed and suddenly felt unsure as to what to say. He wanted to make Cas feel better, but he honestly wasn’t so sure if anything he said would be able to make Cas feel any better about the news he’d just received. But as he looked at Cas he knew that he at least needed to try. Because he hated the look that he was seeing on the angel’s face right now and it just reminded him too much of that other Cas. It was a look that he recognised him wearing a lot; a look of defeat. 

__

‘Look, Cas… I’m sorry. I know that what we told you couldn’t have been easy for you to hear.’ Dean sighed and shrugged. ‘I really wish I could tell you that Joshua was lying…’ He started, but then Dean found that he didn’t know how to continue.

__

Cas wasn’t looking at him, or saying anything either. So, for a minute, they just sat there in silence. 

__

That was at least, until Cas spoke up. ‘Dean, what exactly did he tell you?’ He asked. 

__

‘Uhm, well… Joshua- he told us that God is on earth and that- that he knows about everything that’s going on- about the apocalypse and about what the angels are doing. But... apparently, he just doesn’t feel like it’s his problem.’

__

‘He won’t help us.’ Cas said softly. It was more a statement than a question. 

__

Dean sighed. ‘No… I wouldn’t count on it. Joshua told us that God’s not going to intervene or help.’ He paused before completing what he wanted to say. ‘He doesn’t want to be found, Cas.’ He added tentatively.

__

Cas only nodded.

__

‘I know this must be frustrating as hell for you-’ 

__

‘I was- Dean, I was so certain… My whole existence... I’ve believed in him, and I thought that he cared. _He had to…’_ He said brokenly as he shook his head. ‘But, he doesn’t… He doesn’t care. How could he not care?’ He asked, looking at Dean with pleading eyes.

__

‘I… I don’t know.’

__

Cas then smiled bitterly. ‘And I actually thought that finding him was the answer… I actually believed he would help. God, I was foolish… Raphael… Gabriel- they were right all along.’

__

‘Cas, no. It- it wasn’t foolish. You just… had faith.’

__

Cas huffed. ‘Faith… As if that has gotten anyone anywhere.’ 

__

‘Don’t say that.’ Dean said. 

__

Cas just shrugged. ‘Why not?’

__

‘Because… Cas, you can’t stop having faith. Not you, because… You were the one who taught me to have faith in the first place. So, don’t tell me it’s stupid. And I- Okay, it’s crap that he doesn’t give a shit about what’s happening and that he’s not going to help us. But that doesn’t mean that we get to give up, okay? It doesn’t mean you get to give up.’

__

Cas however, said nothing.

__

Dean sighed. ‘Cas, look… We can’t do this without you and we need you in this.’ He paused before continuing. _‘I_ need you.’ He admitted. ‘And I get that you’re upset and… disappointed, but I’ll tell you what; we don’t need him.’

__

At that, Cas finally looked at him. ‘We don’t?’ He asked.

__

Dean shook his head. ‘No.’ He said resolutely. 

__

‘Then tell me, Dean. How are we going to stop the apocalypse without his help?’

__

Dean sighed. ‘Cas, you know I can’t answer that. But… we’ll figure it out.’ He said, however Cas still didn’t look all that convinced. ‘We will. You, Sam, Bobby and I… We’ll figure something out… _Together.’_

__

Cas shook his head lightly. ‘It seems impossible.’ He said and then looked at him almost pleadingly. 

__

‘Tell me about it…’ Dean sighed. ‘And you know, maybe it is. Maybe… we can’t stop it. But, don’t you think we should at least try?’ 

__

Cas took a minute to respond. ‘I guess.’ He said, nodding. 

__

Dean smiled. ‘Good.’ He said and a small part of him already felt a little relieved. Cas still seemed to be far from okay, but at least he wasn’t giving up. 

__

There was another moment of silence. 

__

‘How- how do you feel about it, Dean?’ Cas then suddenly asked him. 

__

‘It?’

__

‘About what Joshua told you.’

__

‘Oh, uhm… Well, to be honest… I feel pretty disappointed too.’ He admitted and smiled. ‘And it’s weird, you know? ‘Cause I didn’t even believe in God all that much in the first place, but still… hearing Joshua say those things, it- it really sucked.’ Dean huffed. ‘It made me feel so discouraged for some reason…’ He continued. ‘I guess maybe some part of me hoped that you were right in believing that God could be found and that he’d help us.’

__

Cas also smiled for one brief moment. ‘Right. I’m sorry if I gave you any false hopes.’

__

Dean sighed. ‘Cas, you don’t have to apologise for that. Like I said, you just had faith.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s what I like about you.’ 

__

The confession was out of his mouth before he’d even realised it. However, it did make Cas smile again. ‘You like it that I have faith?’ He asked. 

__

‘Well… yeah.’ Dean admitted, suddenly feeling a little flustered. ‘You believe in things, you know? You still have hopes... And you’re so determined and strong-willed. Those are good things.’ He paused. ‘I don’t ever want you to lose that.’ He finished, thinking about that other Cas, the version of him that had all but lost those qualities. 

__

‘Don’t ever change.’ Cas suddenly said quietly. 

__

That took Dean by surprise. _‘What?’_

__

‘You said that to me… a while ago. I still don’t know what you meant by that.’

__

_Shit._ This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. He’d taken Cas outside, because he wanted to lift the angel’s spirits. However, now the conversation had taken a turn Dean would rather avoid. He cleared his throat. ‘Oh, it’s- that’s really not important.’ He therefore lied. 

__

But of course, Cas wasn’t buying any of it. ‘It isn’t?’ He pressed.

__

_‘Cas…’_

__

‘Dean, you can talk to me.’ 

__

‘I know...' Dean sighed. 'Look, Cas. It’s not like I don’t want to tell you. I just… don’t know how.’

__

‘What happened when you were... in that future. It’s weighing on you.’ Cas realised, and it was true. It was. 

__

Dean sighed again. ‘Yeah. I mean, things were bad there…’ He started, picking his words carefully. ‘Everything was so messed up and… I don’t want that future to become reality and I don’t was us to turn into- I just don’t want it to come true.’

__

‘But you are afraid that it will?’

__

Dean nodded. 

__

‘Dean, you know that there’s no need for that.’ Cas consoled. ‘Nothing is inevitable. I mean, wasn’t it you who taught me that there is no such thing as destiny?’ He said, making Dean smile. ‘So, whatever happened in that future, it can still be avoided.’

__

‘I hope you’re right.’ He said, before very unsubtly changing the subject. He cleared his throat before he spoke. ‘So, where were you about to poof off to anyways?’

__

Cas shrugged. ‘Oh, uh. I was thinking about finding a liquor store.’

__

That left Dean speechless for a moment. ‘A _liquor store.’_ He repeated, unsure whether he had heard that correctly.

__

‘Yes.’ 

__

‘W-why?’

__

‘I thought that alcohol…’ Cas lifted his shoulders. ‘Perhaps would provide an escape, from everything…’ Cas then looked at him. ‘It’s what humans do, isn’t it, when they feel-’ He started but seemed unable to find the right word for how he was feeling. He then looked away from Dean again. ‘So, I thought, why not give it another try? Besides, it’s not like I had anywhere else to go; searching for God certainly seems pointless now.’ 

__

‘Go? Cas, you didn’t have to go anywhere- you don’t… have to leave. If you want, you- you could just stay with us, we don’t mind you sticking around.’

__

‘You don’t?’

__

‘No, I- Sam and I, we like having you around. So, feel free to stay with us if you want.’

__

Dean’s heart jumped when a small smile appeared on Cas’s face. ‘I- I think I’d like that. I enjoy spending time with you, Dean.’

__

Now, Dean was smiling too. ‘Yeah?’ He asked. 

__

Cas nodded. ‘Ever since I rebelled, it’s been… quite lonely. I’m not quite used to being so cut off from the rest of my family. But I’m glad I have you.’ He then said almost shyly. 

__

‘So, you miss them, huh?’

__

‘I do. Heaven, my brothers and sisters… I miss it.’ He sighed. ‘Dean, it’s all I’ve known for… millennia and suddenly I’m separated from all of it. I feel so disconnected from heaven and… it’s something I’m still trying to get used to.’ Cas confessed and Dean suddenly feel like a huge dick. After all, wasn’t it him who’d asked Cas to rebel and leave everything he’d ever known behind? It was his fault Cas had lost all that…

__

‘Yeah, I’m sure it’s not easy. Turning you’re back on your family like that, choosing your own path… But, hey, Anna managed. I’m sure you will as well.’ He said and paused for a moment. He cleared his throat. ‘But uh… If you ever need anything, or even if you just want to talk… You know that I’m always here for you, right?’ He said as he took one of Cas’s hands in his. 

__

The action took Dean by surprise, because really, he hadn’t planned on going outside and sitting against the hood of his car with Cas with their hands entwined. Yet, here they were… 

__

For a moment, Dean just stared at their hands. Though when he finally looked up at Cas, to Dean’s surprise, he saw a little smile on the angel’s face. ‘Thank you, Dean.’ He said.

__

Then, before Dean even realised what the hell he was doing, he'd pressed his lips against Cas’s. 

__

And Cas must have been as surprised by the action as Dean was himself, however he nonetheless was kissing Dean back hesitantly. Dean almost couldn't believe it, but Cas really was kissing him back and it was awesome. And it felt just the same; just as wonderful as it had been all the times he’d been kissing that other version Cas. And though with this Cas it was all a lot more chaste and tame, Dean enjoyed it just the same. 

__

The kiss was soft and slow and _God,_ Dean had missed this. 

__

But then Cas was suddenly pulling away from him and then for a moment, the angel just stared at him with a shocked look on his face. 

__

‘Cas.’ Was all Dean could say before Castiel disappeared into thin air. 

__

_‘Fuck.’_ He then whispered to himself.

__

He really had screwed this up... It wasn’t supposed to go like this.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo here it is at last! Please let me know what you think. Do you love it.. or hate it? Idk how I'm feeling about it so some feedback would be great <3


	2. Just tell me.

Dean had just finished saying his prayer- he hadn't even opened his eyes yet when he heard the rustling of feathers. He opened his eyes.

Suddenly Cas was there, in the middle of their shabby motel room. ‘Hello, Dean.’ He said. 

Dean sat up on his bed. ‘Cas, you- you came.’ He said in surprise, because this hadn't been his first prayer to Cas. Since that day he had stupidly kissed the angel, he'd been praying to him every day, trying to reach out to him, but until now, his prayers had all but gone unanswered. 

Cas nodded and waited a moment before he spoke, ‘I’m sorry for ignoring your previous prayers.’ He said.

‘That’s- that's okay.’ Dean replied uncertainly, and he paused a moment before he continued. ‘How have you been?’ He then asked and _God,_ this was awkward already.

‘Fine, you?’ Cas replied curtly.

‘Yeah... me too.’

Castiel nodded and a short silence fell between them before it was broken by Castiel. ‘Dean, you said you wanted to talk.’ He said. 

‘Right. Yeah, I did, Cas. Uh…’

‘I assume you wanted to discuss what happened the other day?’ 

‘Uh, yeah… Will you sit down?’ Dean asked and Cas complied, sitting down on the other motel bed, so they were face to face. Castiel was now looking at him expectantly, however Dean suddenly found he didn't know where to start. What the hell was he supposed to say? He'd actually been thinking about it- had been going over what he should say to Cas if he were to appear. But now that Castiel was actually there, Dean was drawing blank. 

‘Listen, I just… I feel like such an asshole; I- I really shouldn’t have done that- kissing you... I mean, the last thing I want is for you to be uncomfortable around me.’ He said at last.

‘I’m not.’

‘You’ve been avoiding me, Cas.’

‘I-’

‘You don’t have to explain...' Dean said, cutting Castiel off before he could continue. 'And besides, you’re here now.’ He said and Cas nodded. ‘But… I just wanted to talk things out, you know? I mean… we still have an apocalypse to stop and in doing that… we kind of need to be around each other.' He shrugged and continued, 'We need to be able to work together, Cas, and I really don’t want what's happened between us to keep us from doing that.'

Castiel nodded. 'Me neither, Dean.' He said, looking serious. 'What matters right now is the mission, stopping Lucifer.'

'Exactly.' Dean agreed. 'And look... I know I shouldn't have done it, especially with everything that's going on, I just- ’

‘Then why did you?’ Castiel interrupted.

 _Because, I love you..._ Dean almost wanted to say. But... he didn't, because there was no way he was doing that.

‘I- Cas, I don’t know. It just happened…' He therefore said instead. 'All I know is that it was stupid and impulsive and that I really didn’t mean to freak you out. So, I’m sorry if it did. It was just a… a spur of the moment kind of thing.’

Castiel was now looking somewhat confused. ‘What-what does that mean?’ He asked.

‘It means… Cas, it means that it wasn’t exactly planned; I didn’t plan on doing that, on kissing you... When we talked then, all I wanted was to just make you feel better, you know? You looked so broken up about what we’d told you about God and I just wanted to make sure you were going to be okay. So yeah, that… kiss wasn’t exactly part of the plan… I mean, I know that the last thing you need right now is having to deal with crap like this.' He continued when Cas remained silent. 'So, if you just wanna forget about it, Cas, then that’s fine... We can do that… Maybe- maybe it’s even for the best.’

‘I didn’t say I wanted to forget about it.’ Castiel however, said.

‘Okay... Then, what?’ Dean asked. 

‘Dean, I just- I want to understand…' Cas said and for a moment he just looked at Dean. Then at last, he asked, 'Does this mean that you have feelings for me?’ 

Dean hated how direct Castiel always was. ‘Yeah…’ He still admitted, figuring that there really was no point in lying about it anymore. ‘Have for a while now.’ 

‘But you tried to hide it?’

‘Yeah, Cas. I mean, as I said; I knew that the last thing you needed right now is crap like this. I just... really didn’t want to bother you with it, so yeah, I tried to hide it.’ He answered.

‘How- how long, Dean?’ Castiel then questioned further. 

Dean shrugged. ‘I don’t know…' He said honestly. 'I only even realised I had these feelings just a few months ago.’ He then paused and took a deep breath before he added, ‘When I spent that time in the future.’

Dean then looked away. Because, this was really it. He was about to tell Cas everything he'd been hiding for so long. He really felt nervous all of a sudden.

‘Then?’ Cas frowned. ‘Dean... Why then?’

‘I- God, Cas. I don’t even know where to start to explain. It’s...’ Dean said, still looking anywhere but at Cas.

‘Dean, you can tell me.’

At those words, Dean finally dared to look Cas in the eyes again, and despite the fact that the angel was looking at him understandingly, Dean still suddenly felt himself chickening out- suddenly feeling that telling Castiel would be a big mistake. He had already freaked the angel out by kissing him, and surely, Dean telling him what he was about to say was only going to make things worse and freak him out even further. And Dean was afraid of the angel’s reaction. Would Cas be mad? Would he hate him? 

Dean shook his head. ‘Cas, I don’t-’

‘Dean, just tell me. What is it?’ Cas insisted. 'What happened?'

Dean sighed and though he'd intended to bring it a lot more carefully, it ended up coming out not so delicately, with him blurting out, ‘Cas... We- we had sex.’

It was just like ripping off a band ait. 

For a moment, Castiel just looked at him in shock. ‘Excuse me?’ He then said at last.

‘Do I really have to repeat it?’ Dean answered quietly.

‘We had... _intercourse?’_

Dean just nodded.

‘When was- that happened when you were there?’

‘Yeah, it was- it was in that future… Me and that other you, the you from that time, we- we connected.’ Dean explained and fuck, this was hard. ‘So, technically it wasn’t really you, but still… it also... kinda was.’

Cas was now looking away from him and was saying nothing. And Dean just stared at him, trying to gauge his reaction, however the angel only looked stunned and very confused.

‘Can you say something?’ Dean finally asked tentatively. 

Then, Cas looked him straight in the eyes, with that same intensity he always looked at Dean with. ‘I- Dean, to be honest, I don’t really know what to say… I wasn’t expecting this.’

Dean couldn’t help but chuckle at that. ‘I’m sure.’ He said.

‘How- how exactly did that happen?' Castiel then asked. 'What do you mean we connected?’

‘Uh, well... Look, I just- suddenly, I found myself there and I didn’t really know anyone in that future except for you, Chuck and the uh… that future version of me.’

‘What about Sam?’

Dean sighed. ‘Sam... had said yes to Lucifer, and Bobby was dead… So, those versions of us- we only had each other, and… we lived in this camp, it was for survivors… Uh, Lucifer was ruling the planet; he’d won and the Croatoan virus had broken out, but there were some that survived and we lived with them in this camp, which... I kinda was the leader of.’

‘Must have been strange to meet yourself.’ 

Dean smiled. ‘Yeah, no doubt. But Cas, I- I couldn’t stand myself... I _hated_ the guy.’

Cas was frowning. ‘Dean, why?’ He asked.

‘That version of me… he was a complete asshole... I just... had turned into some kind of dictator; bossing everyone around, controlling everything- and everyone...' Dean shrugged and shook his head. 'He just did whatever the hell he wanted and everyone else was just expected to go along with it. He was the leader after all... So yeah, I hated him and... as a result you were the one that I turned to the most.’

‘I see.’

‘I mean, you’d changed a lot as well, but... I still liked you.' Dean smiled. 'You were different, but... you were nice to me, were there for me… We spent a lot of time together.’

Castiel nodded, and then asked, ‘What do you mean I changed?’

‘Oh, uh… You- you kinda lost your powers...’ Dean said hesitantly. 

Castiel looked as shocked as Dean had expected he would be upon hearing that little fact. ‘I lost- I wasn’t an angel anymore?’ He asked with worry in his voice.

Dean shook his head.

‘H-how? What happened to me?’

‘Well, the angels- they left. Lucifer won, so they just went away… And you decided not to go with them and for some reason, your angel mojo just… drained away.’ Dean explained. ‘I don’t know the specifics, I wasn’t there for it, but it left you human, and from what I understand, you could’ve gone with them, but… instead you chose to stay on earth... With me.’

 _‘Human...’_ Cas repeated softly.

‘Yeah... but Cas, you didn’t- you didn’t exactly handle that very well. I could sense that you hated it- hated being human....’ Dean huffed. ‘You actually told me you did; telling me that you felt powerless and hopeless...’ He sighed. ‘God, you were different... So defeated and cynical... You really were a mess, Cas, and I wish I could say that that other me was there for you, but he- or _I_ failed you, big time.’

‘What do you mean by that?' Cas asked after a few moments had passed.

Dean shook his head and sighed. ‘He really let you down... He was supposed to be there for you when you fell- he was supposed to help you and support you, but instead he- I treated you like dirt and was a complete dick to you all the damn time. It was horrible really… what we’d become.’ He sighed. ‘But I guess that’s probably what made you like me so much when I suddenly showed up there. Relatively, I was a much nicer version of the Dean he knew, so that Cas- he... liked me.’

‘And we _connected.’_ Castiel said.

‘Yeah it- I don’t know how to explain it. When I learned that we kind of were having a thing, it really freaked me out at first... but once I got used to idea and once I got to spend more time with you, I just couldn’t help but… I don’t know… feel envious of him? Because he had you and… I realised I kind of... wanted the same.’

Castiel nodded. ‘And then?’ He asked.

‘Then… Like I said, we spent a lot of time together. He and I- we both hated the situation we were in- were both stuck in that fucking camp and in that horrible future, but... yeah, we both were able to make life a little better for the other, I guess... And that's all it was at first but, eventually it... kinda grew into something more and... I don't know, it was the strangest thing, but we really grew close.’

‘You got attached.' Castiel concluded. 'That’s why you looked so upset when you just got back.’ 

Dean shrugged. ‘Yes. I- it didn’t end well and I really cared about him.' He admitted. 'It was real.’ 

After that, Dean was anticipating another question, but in the end, nothing came. Cas kept quiet and just seemed to be going over everything he’d just heard. Was probably processing everything Dean had just told him. Though when he finally looked at Dean again, there suddenly was a hint of anger in the angel’s eyes. ‘Dean, how could you keep this from me?’ He then heatedly said at last. 

‘Cas, I’m- I'm sorry.’ Dean said immediately. ‘I- I know that this is a lot, and I know it’s messed up. I just- that’s why- that’s exactly why I’ve been keeping it from you, I didn’t want this to screw with your head. It's all so fucked up.’ He paused and sighed. ‘But I guess, I also didn’t tell you because I just... really didn’t want you to know about what happened between those two versions of us.’

‘You- you didn’t want me to know that they- that _we_ were in a relationship?’

‘Cas, what they had- that wasn’t a relationship.’ Dean corrected. ‘That was… It was just a messed up, twisted connection that was unhealthy and destructive as hell.’

‘What do you mean by that?’

‘Cas-’

‘Dean, tell me. What was so bad about it?’

Dean sighed. ‘Cas told me that in the beginning, it was a good thing. It was the end of the world, but they still had each other to count on... They were friends. And then eventually, they... grew closer- became a thing, or whatever. Cas even said they were happy together, for a while...'

'But, something happened?' Castiel gathered.

Dean nodded. 'Yeah... Everything uh... kinda went to shit when Bobby died. Cas told me that that really was what broke me, that after everything I’d lost already, losing Bobby was kind of the breaking point for me. So, I uh… he said that I changed after that, became cold and closed off- started acting like a fucking dick, but… you- you just kept putting up with it all anyways... Allowed me to treat you like shit.’

‘Dean, what did you do to me?’ Cas asked, but Dean really hated that they were getting into this. And he really didn't want to say- didn't want to tell Cas, because he so didn’t want him to know about all the shit Dean had done to him. Didn’t want Cas to know how badly he had been treated by him. It was all so ugly... 

‘Dean?’ Cas however, pressed.

Dean shook his head. 'I'm not sure this is something you want to know, Cas.' He said, but at the same time, Dean knew that Cas wasn't backing away from this. The angel was steadfast, and he wanted answers, so eventually, Dean just relented. ‘Okay, fine... I- you want to know what I did to you?' He asked and Cas nodded in response. Dean sighed before he finally spoke again. 'Cas, I used you as a damn fuck toy, that’s what I did.’ He blurted out, knowing that he probably could have put that more delicately, but then again, Dean never was that great with words. 

Cas wore -understandably so- a shocked expression on his face. Dean shrugged. ‘You wanted the truth, Cas. And I'm sorry, I know it's not pretty, but that’s how it was.’

Castiel almost looked offended now. ‘Dean, I would- I’d _never_ allow you to treat me like that.’ He said determinedly. 

Dean sighed. ‘You did, though. That version of you- he allowed me to treat you however the hell I wanted. Let me use you, manipulate you, _degrade_ you… And you put up with it all simply because... because you loved me, and because I was all you had.'

'I- I... _loved you?'_ Castiel repeated with the most perplexed expression on his face.

Dean nodded simply. 'Yeah, Cas. He did, though... my future self? He didn’t seem to give a damn about how you felt for me, he only really seemed to care about getting what he wanted.’ 

‘That’s- that’s…’ Cas started, but it was almost as if the words had rendered him speechless.

‘I know.’ Dean said quietly. 

After a long pause, Castiel spoke at last, ‘So, how did it end?’ He wanted to know. ‘You said it didn’t end well for them either.’

Dean nodded. ‘They both died, Cas.' Dean said softly. 

'What happened?'

'It- it was in an attempt to kill Lucifer… We all went on this mission together to end him, but it failed… badly... Neither of them survived it.’

Cas nodded and they were both quiet again for another few moments. ‘Was- Dean, was this… everything?’ Castiel then asked.

Dean thought about that and found that there actually was a lot more that he could tell Cas about; he could tell him about Cas’ drug addiction, about Dean’s betrayal and so many other things, however, then and there, Dean decided to leave them out, for now at least. He really felt he’d already said enough for one conversation and he also didn’t want to overwhelm Cas even more than he already had. 

‘I’ll spare you the details.’ He therefore said. ‘But yeah, this is basically everything you need to know.’

‘Does Sam know about this?’

 _‘God, no.’_ Dean sighed. ‘I don’t like keeping things from my brother, but I just… didn’t want to tell him that there’s a reality out there in which he does say _yes_ to the Devil. Not when he’s trying so hard to avoid that, you know?’ He said and Cas just nodded. ‘Or, do you think I should?’

‘Perhaps… I don’t know… It’s really up to you, Dean.’

Dean nodded and then asked tentatively, ‘Are you glad that I told you?’

‘I- Dean, to be honest, I don’t know how I feel about all this.’ Castiel answered.

‘Right…’

‘Why did you even decide to tell me?’ Castiel asked. 'You didn't have to...' 

Dean sighed. ‘Yeah, I didn't have to, but... I guess I just couldn't keep this from you any longer. Cas, hiding all this from you, it has been killing me.’ He explained and smiled cynically. ‘Acting like everything was fine and normal… with you not knowing about any of this was- it was fucking terrible. Because- because it’s all so not normal and not fine. I mean, for God’s sake, _I miss him_ and you’re right here and you’re him, but you’re also not and it’s... all so messed up.’

For a moment Dean buried his face in his hands. 

On the one hand, it felt kind of good to finally come clean about everything, and it was a relief to get it all off his chest. But on the other hand, this was such a difficult conversation to have. _God,_ it was difficult. Admitting everything he'd done…

After a minute, Dean composed himself again and when he looked up, Cas was just staring at him. Dean continued talking, ‘Look Cas, I’m just… really sorry for throwing this all your way right now. I know you’re already going through a hard time, with God and everything… I know you don’t need me making your life more complicated, and I just- I know I shouldn’t have kissed you like that and I-’ 

He had been rambling, only, Cas suddenly cut him off. ‘Yes, you probably shouldn’t have.’ He said sharply. 

‘What?’

‘Dean, I’m sorry. But I don’t ever want you to do that again.’ Cas continued. 

To be honest, it kinda hurt to hear Cas say that so bluntly, but then again, Dean really couldn’t blame the angel. ‘Uh, okay. Clear.’ He therefore said. 

Though Cas apparently wasn’t done. ‘These feelings you have for me… Dean, I can’t reciprocate them. I’m an Angel and I also am not _him.’_

‘I- I know that.’

‘I hope you do, and Dean, I understand that this may be confusing and that time you spent with him... it has clearly had an impact on you. But whatever that version of me felt for you, I am not same.’ Cas continued further and Dean was now sure he could hear a note of anger in Castiel's voice. ‘I’m an Angel, and we do not experience such human emotions.’

‘Cas, if that's true, then... then why did you kiss me back?’ Dean caught himself asking.

He hadn’t meant to, but the words had left his mouth before Dean had even realised it. It was just that he really wanted to know; wanted to understand why Castiel was insisting that he didn’t feel anything for him. Because the thing was that Dean knew for a fact that Castiel _did;_ that other Cas had said so and the way Castiel had kissed him back only proved that he did, _didn’t it?_

‘I- I didn’t-’ Cas started weakly.

‘Cas, we were both there.’ Dean said. 

Castiel looked away.

Dean sighed. On the one hand, he really didn’t want to push Cas. When he’d just got back from the future, he’d promised himself to be patient with him, promised himself that he wouldn't force things. He hated that he’d already screwed that up, because he hadn't wanted to put Cas on the spot like this and make him admit those feelings he wasn’t even ready to admit to yet. However on the other hand, some part of Dean also just wanted them to just be honest with each other for once.

Dean stood up from the bed he had been sitting on, and moved towards the other one, the one Castiel was on. He sat down next to Castiel, though, he purposely left some considerable distance between them.

‘Look, Cas. I know that this isn't easy, hell- I always try to avoid conversations like this as much as I can… But can’t we just be honest with each other? At least that’s what I’m trying to do here.’

‘Then what is it I’m supposedly so dishonest about?’ Castiel retorted. 

‘Maybe…’ Dean started carefully. ‘Your own feelings… for me?’

Castiel was shaking his head. ‘Dean-’

‘And don’t tell me you don’t have them, because we both know that’s bullshit.’

‘What makes you say that?’ Cas replied defensively. 

‘Because _he_ told me you did.’

That made Cas look at him with wide eyes. ‘What- what did he say?’ He asked.

Dean suddenly couldn't help but smile as he thought back on the words. He shrugged. ‘He said that you liked me, Cas. Told me that you felt this bond between us or whatever, a connection…'

'He did?'

'Yeah. We uh- we talked about it and... he said that you had feelings for me, that you felt _something,_ that there already was something.... A feeling that was unfamiliar to you- confused you, but… he told me that in oh-nine… I already was a lot more to you than just your ally or charge…’

Cas said nothing.

Dean sighed. ‘I’m sorry, Cas. I don’t mean to put you on the spot li-’

‘Dean, what he told you doesn’t matter.’ Cas suddenly said sharply, cutting him off. ‘Perhaps I do have some feelings I haven’t been completely honest with myself about, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not interested in a relationship with you.’ He continued. ‘Especially now that I know where that’ll lead me.’ He finished, that last bit spoken with venom in his voice.

He then abruptly stood up from the bed, moving away and turning his back on Dean.

‘Okay...’ Dean just said, not knowing what else to say to that. Castiel was clearly upset and now possibly mad at him as well. Though, Dean knew he deserved it.

‘And believe me when I say this, Dean.' Cas then continued as he turned around to face him again. 'I won’t ever allow you to corrupt me like that.’ He said angrily.

Though that actually angered Dean a bit. ‘Jesus, Cas. Do you honestly think that that’s what I want?’ He asked heatedly. ‘That corrupting you, dragging you down and making you human is what I want for you?’

‘You tell me.’ Cas replied, as heatedly as Dean had sounded.

Dean huffed. ‘No, Cas! Of course that’s not what I fucking want.’ He exclaimed, but then took a deep breath and tried to calm himself, because he really didn’t want to argue.

‘Cas, trust me, I _hated_ seeing you like that; hated that I was the one who did that to you. So, no, that's not what I want. I don't want the same to happen to us- to you!' He then paused a moment before he went on. 'And... yeah, I guess I do kinda... want to be with you, but not like _that._ Not with you broken apart because of it. I mean, really, the last thing I want is what's happened to _him_ to happen to you. Please, just... believe that.’ 

Castiel however, didn't look all that convinced.

Dean continued again after another brief moment of silence. ‘But, Cas… the thing is that I don't think it has to be like that. I think- I think it actually could be kinda great. You and me- together... It might've not worked out between those other two versions of us, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't for us.' 

Dean then looked at Cas, who was frowning deeply, but still not saying anything. Dean wasn't really sure if he should continue or wait for the angel's reply. Though when after a minute, still nothing had come, Dean just went on, 'But... if that isn’t what you want- if you’re really not interested, Cas, then that’s also fine.' He said. ‘Because, believe me… I understand that you’re not. I just- I just hope you don't hate me...'

With that, Castiel's expression finally softened a little bit and for a moment, Cas just looked at him. Then he sighed and finally spoke, 'I don't, Dean. I'd never.' He said simply. 'What you've told me, it certainly has been... has been quite shocking... But, as far as I'm concerned, this doesn't have to change anything.'

'I'm glad.' Dean said, now standing up as well. Somehow, he felt a little relieved. It wasn't as if the situation between them now was an ideal one, but at least Cas didn't hate him. 'Then I’ll just- I'll get over this. I _will,_ and... I- I promise I won’t bother you about it anymore.’ He said as he forced a smile. He didn't want it to show how awful he felt.

‘I’d appreciate that.’ Castiel said, his face suddenly unreadable. 'And Dean, if you need me, you may still call, but otherwise...' 

Dean nodded. 'Got it.' He said, because he understood- it was more than clear to him that Castiel didn't want him.

An awkward silence then fell between them. ‘I should go.’ Castiel then said after a moment.

‘Right...’ Dean said as the angel turned away from him. ‘Hey, Cas?’ He then added.

At that, Cas turned towards him again. ‘Yes, Dean?’

‘I- I’m sorry, for all this.’ He said. 

Castiel only nodded before he disappeared.


	3. A step towards you is another step away from Heaven.

It was around ten in the morning when Dean woke up. Though when he opened his eyes he got the shit scared out of him. 

‘Cas!’ He exclaimed in surprise. Dean immediately sat up on the bed he had been lying on. 

Castiel was standing right next to him and though Dean was glad to see him - just like he always was - it was quite unexpected. 

_And... had Cas been watching him sleep?_

It had been a little while since he'd last seen Cas; they hadn't seen each other again since their last conversation. There hadn't been a need to really. For whatever reason, things were relatively quite out there and there hadn't been news on neither Lucifer nor his horsemen, so he and Sam had just been hunting. And that was nice, it was what Dean was used to. However, Dean's gut was telling him that it was simply the calm before the storm and it wouldn't be long before everything would go to crap. 

It had been a few weeks since his last conversation with Castiel and Dean hadn't contacted him since. Sometimes, he wanted too, but Dean knew that he had to give Castiel his space. So, in general, he just tried to avoid thinking about him and the times when he did, Dean just hoped he was doing okay. 

And now he was here.

He looked fine. Dean took a short moment to take Cas in and he looked just the same as he always did; messy hair, rumpled clothing and a slightly stoic expression on his face. He looked composed and didn't seem bothered nor to be under any stress. However, Dean also knew that a lot could be hiding underneath the surface.

‘Dean. I’m- Sorry, I… didn’t mean to startle you.’ Castiel said a little uncertainly. 

Dean smiled. ‘I know. It’s- it’s fine.' Dean rubbed his eyes. 'Uh, what are you doing here? Is something going on? You need anything?’

‘No, not really. I- I just came to talk.’

‘Oh. Is this about…’

Castiel nodded, and looked around the room for a moment. ‘Where’s Sam?’ He then asked.

‘Uh, local library, I think. He’s probably busy doing research.' Dean answered. 'I don’t think he’ll be back for a while.’

Cas nodded and then sat down on the other bed. They were sitting face to face again, just like they were the last time they talked.

Dean felt a little nervous and also a little scared about what Cas was about to say to him. It had been difficult the last time they talked; to admit to Cas about all the things he'd experienced and did in that future, yet Cas had taken it all pretty well in Dean's opinion. Sure, Cas had been angry and Dean could clearly see that the news'd upset him. But in the end, Cas had said that it didn't have to change things between them and that Dean could still call Cas whenever he needed him.

And Cas said that he didn't hate him. That had been such a relief. 

‘So, what is it?’ Dean finally asked.

‘Well…’ Castiel started. ‘Dean, I don’t like how we left things.’ He admitted simply.

Dean nodded. ‘Yeah, me neither. I mean, you said that we were good, but… are we? Really?’ 

Cas let out a small sigh. ‘Dean-’

‘Cas, you seemed pretty pissed off the last time we talked. So, if you’re angry- if you’re pissed at me, then you don’t have to pretend that you’re not. Don’t get me wrong, I want us to be okay, but-.’

‘I also want us to be okay, Dean.’ Castiel interrupted.

‘But?’ 

Cas sighed again. ‘But… I think you’re right.’ He said, looking away.

‘So, you are mad.’

Cas shrugged.

‘Okay. Then talk to me.’

‘Dean, for some reason, I can’t... I-’ He paused, seeming to have trouble finding the right words. 

‘Cas, it's okay to feel that, you know. To feel mad at me. And… I can’t image how you must be feeling right now.' Dean said softly. 'So, if you- if you want to talk to me about it- or anything else really, I’ll listen. I owe you that.’

Then Castiel looked at him again and after a moment, he finally spoke. ‘Dean… I know that I said that things didn’t have to change… between us, but… they have, and I- I had initially thought that I could just forget about it, but I can’t, Dean.’ He paused. ‘You and… everything that you’ve told me about- it’s… lately, it’s all that I can think about.’

‘Oh.’

Castiel nodded. ‘And I do feel mad… and- and confused, and I want to be able to let this all go, but I just…’

‘You can’t.’ Dean finished for him.

Castiel shook his head.

As Dean stared at Cas, who suddenly looked all tense and troubled, he couldn't help but feel extremely guilty and bad. He had never wanted to do this to Cas- never wanted to cause him any distress or make him feel confused. ‘I’m sorry.’ Dean therefore said.

‘For what?’ 

‘Just… for everything. I know I fucked up, Cas.’ 

_‘Fucked up?’_ Cas repeated with a little anger in the words. ‘Dean, I- it was wrong of you to keep all that from me. Didn’t you think I deserved to know the truth?’

‘I did, Cas. I just-’

‘Just… Instead of telling me about what happened to you, and- and about what you did, you decided to hide it from me for all these months!’ 

‘I know-’

‘And then- then you _kiss_ me.’

‘I know!’

‘And then you suddenly do decide to tell me anyways?’

‘Cas, I know… Look, I know that I didn’t exactly handle things very well. I know I screwed up and you’re right. You’re totally right. I knew that it was wrong to keep it from you- it didn’t feel right and yeah, you did deserve to know the truth.’ Dean sighed. ‘But, Cas, I was just… scared, okay?’ He admitted finally.

With that, Cas's anger seemed fade a little. ‘Scared of what?’ He asked.

‘Of you hating me. Losing you…’

‘I wouldn’t just abandon you, Dean.’ Cas then said so sincerely. And Dean loved him for that.

‘Yeah, see… I really wasn’t so sure about that.' Dean said quietly and looked down at his hands. 'I mean, the stuff I told you about- it’s a pretty big fucking deal, Cas, and I didn’t know how you’d react. I honestly thought that… that there was a pretty solid chance you’d never want to see me again.’

‘Well… I’m afraid you won’t get rid of me that easily.’

At that, Dean looked up again and to his surprise, Cas was looking at him with a little smile on his face. Dean realised Cas was trying to reassure him. Dean smiled back. Then he spoke again. ‘Yeah, apparently... Though for what it’s worth, I hated myself for it too- for keeping everything from you. It felt wrong and yeah, it really wasn’t fair to you.’ Dean sighed. ‘I uh… I actually considered telling you a couple of times, Cas, because keeping it to myself, not being able to talk about it to anyone- it was tearing me up inside, but-’

‘But, you still didn’t.’ Cas said, though he didn't sound accusatory.

‘No. I was… I was scared of how you’d react- scared of what you’d think of me…’ Dean sighed. ‘And… I guess that a part of me also was kinda afraid of what it’d do to you.’

Castiel frowned at that. ‘Do to me?’

‘Well… Cas, you were already going through a lot and-’

‘So you thought that I couldn’t handle it?’ Cas then asked sharply.

‘Cas… You’d just rebelled and left Heaven, we both know hard that was on you. And then you were looking for God, but he was nowhere to be found. And… then there’s also friggin Lucifer and the apocalypse.’ Dean said, trying to explain. He sighed before he continued. ‘There already was so much shit you had to deal with and I just- I really didn’t want to add to it. What I told you, it’s… it’s all pretty fucked up and I just- I was worried. I knew it would screw with your head and I really didn’t want to complicate your life more than I already had.’

Cas nodded. ‘Well, you were at least right about that.’ He then said quietly after a moment.

‘About... what?’

‘That it would mess with my head.’ Cas explained.

‘Oh. It has?’

Castiel sighed before he spoke. ‘Dean, I’m- I’m glad that you told me the truth. I am. And… I appreciate how honest you were with me the last time we spoke. That took courage… But, yes, it really has been messing with my head. Hearing about all that you did and… everything you’d experienced and… discovered when you were there; I found it all quite upsetting somehow and…’ He then stopped talking and looked away uncertainly.

‘And what?’ Dean asked, trying to catch Cas's gaze again.

‘And I just… I feel… Dean, ever since, I just feel… so confused.’ He admitted and then looked Dean in the eyes again.

‘About what, Cas?’

‘Everything.’ He said and then paused for a moment. ‘And, I don’t know how to deal with this. Dean, I don’t like feeling like this and… and I don’t know what to do.’

‘Cas… It’s okay to be confused.’ Dean tried to reassure. Cas had sounded so uncertain to him, and to be frank, also a little desperate, like he didn't know what to do with himself. Though, Dean doubted that his little reassurances would be able to help him any.

That proved to be true. ‘No, Dean, it’s not! It really isn’t.' Castiel replied sharply. 'We’re in the middle of a war- we’re… in the middle of the apocalypse, and yet, the only thing I can think about is you! How is that okay?’ 

‘I-’

‘I should be focusing on Lucifer, on finding a way to stop him. Dean, we both should; that’s what matters right now, yet instead, we’re-’

‘Cas, stop. _Please,_ just calm down.' He said as he laid a hand on Cas's knee and gripped him reassuringly. Though within seconds he withdrew his hand again, deciding he'd better try to reassure using his words rather than touch. 'Don’t be so hard on yourself, okay? Cas, you’re doing the best you can and… if it’s anyone’s fault that you’re- that you’re a little distracted right now, then it’s mine, okay, not yours. I’m the one who started this whole mess in the first place, right?’

Castiel let out a small sigh. ‘How do we fix this?’ He then asked.

And Dean just wished he knew. ‘I don’t know.’ He said.

Then for a few moments, they just said there in silence. Both unsure as what to say next. Castiel was the first to speak again. ‘Do you- Dean, do you still miss him?’ He asked Dean a little uncertainly.

That question took Dean completely by surprise. _‘W-what?’_

‘Do you miss him?' Castiel repeated. 'The… me from that time.’

‘Oh, I- Uh…’ Dean gulped. ‘Yeah.' He said honestly. 'Yeah, I do. I mean, him being gone… it- it hurts less now than it had in the beginning. But, yeah, it still hurts sometimes and… I do miss him.' He really did. 'Miss the way things were… with him. He was… he meant a lot to me.’

And it was true, losing that other Cas hurt a little less now compared to how it had in the beginning, but it was still painful whenever Dean thought about it. And he still missed him; the way things were with him- that closeness. The way they spent all those lazy mornings together in the cabin and those late nights in which they just talked about whatever. He really missed that.

‘You liked him.’ Cas stated simply.

Dean nodded. ‘Yeah, he was… awesome.’ He said, though he still wasn't really sure what exactly Cas wanted to hear from him. 

‘And, so… you spent much time together.’

‘Most of my time there, yeah.’

‘But the other you- he what? He didn’t mind? Weren’t they…’

‘Oh, he did. I think it’s the main reason why he didn’t like me all that much.’

Castiel was frowning, obviously trying to understand. ‘He was… jealous?’ He asked.

Dean nodded. ‘He didn’t really like the fact that Cas and I… that we got close.’

‘I see.’

Then silence fell again. So, Dean decided just to ask. ‘Cas… why are you- why do you ask?’

‘I don’t know. I guess I just… wished to understand.’ Castiel answered.

‘Understand what?’

‘Just how that could’ve happened… between you and… him. I guess I just never really expected something like this from you.’

That was fair. 

Dean couldn't help but smile. ‘Believe me, Cas, me neither.' He admitted 'I mean, you have no idea how surprised I was when I found out that we were a friggin couple in that future; that really messed me up for a second. But then… when we started to get closer… I think my own actions- my own feelings surprised me even more.’ He confessed.

‘So, what was it about him?’ Cas said. ‘That made you feel that way?’ He added.

Dean thought about that for a second. ‘Well… I got zapped into that future and… and I don’t know; suddenly there was this version of you that liked me and that looked at me like I was… like I was his everything. And… we just got along really great and spent so much time together. He was there for me; it kinda sucked being there and that future was crap, but Cas, when I was with him… he made it…’

‘He made it better.’

‘Yeah… And I don’t know, it also just felt like I could talk to him about anything.’ Dean said fondly.

‘And you can’t talk to me?’ Cas asked, and it almost sounded like he was a little offended.

‘Cas, no. I don’t mean it like that, I just meant that… that it was all just a little easier with him.’

‘Easier?’

‘Yeah, maybe it was because he was human, but I don’t know, with him- when we talked… I never felt afraid that he’d judge me, and don’t get me wrong, I like talking to you too, Cas- I love spending time with you. But… it’s just when we talk- I don’t know… you’re a friggin angel and all fucking holy and righteous and… for a person that screws up as much as I do- for someone as flawed as I am, it’s- sometimes it’s just not easy to talk to someone like that- someone so… _good._ So… yeah, I liked that about him.' Dean explained and only hoped that it made sense somehow. 'And… other than that he was just... caring and… sweet and funny.’

‘And you didn’t care that he’d become… what he’d become?’

‘Uh, no… Look I- I didn’t like seeing him like that- all messed up and struggling. It was painful to see sometimes. He’d really changed… But to me, when… when we were alone- that all didn’t matter anymore, because… I don’t know, despite all his faults, he was still a good person, I could see it. There was something about him and not to be cheesy but it was… I don’t know, when I was there… it was almost like I couldn’t stay away from him even if I wanted to.’ Dean said with a smile and then looked at Cas. He however, looked really bothered. ‘Cas... you okay?’

Cas then looked him in the eyes and then away again. ‘It’s nothing.’ He said.

‘Cas.’ Dean pushed carefully.

He relented after a few moments. ‘I don’t- Dean, it’s foolish and… I don’t know why, but, hearing about it… I know that I asked, however it…’

Then, realisation struck Dean. ‘It bothers you.’ He said. 

And Cas nodded.

‘Oh.’

‘I think… that I was angry- not only because of the fact that you hid it from me.' Cas started to explain. 'Dean, I think- I think it was also partly because I do have trouble getting past the fact that- that you…’

Then it really hit Dean what Cas was trying to say. ‘That I got close to him.’

Castiel only nodded.

‘Oh.’

‘Dean, I don’t- I don’t know why, but it- for some reason it does bother me that you did that and... when I think about it I do feel mad and… perhaps even- even a little betrayed.’ 

‘Shit, Cas. I’m- I’m sorry. I-’

‘Dean, how would _you_ feel if I were to do something like that with another version of you?’

‘I- I wouldn’t like it… I’d fucking _hate_ it.’ Dean answered.

‘Yet, you still did it.’ 

‘Yeah.’

‘And that didn’t feel _wrong_ to you?’ Castiel then asked him.

‘I- to be honest, Cas. No, it… didn’t.’ Dean said after a moment. He just couldn't lie and say that it did. 

Cas looked surprised. ‘It didn’t?’

Dean sighed before he spoke. ‘I don’t know, Cas, maybe it was wrong and… maybe I shouldn’t have let things get as far as they did. But I just... the thing is, that at the time, I don’t know... it- it didn’t feel wrong to me, not at all.' He said honestly. 'It actually felt... It actually felt right, to be with him- to be with you like that. But regardless, I’m really sorry that- that it hurts you. I never meant for that and I’m… God, I’m such a selfish dick, I shouldn’t have-’

‘Dean, you’re not selfish.’ Castiel interrupted.

‘You sure about that?’

‘Yes.' Cas answered earnestly. 'You may be many things, Dean, but selfish isn’t one of them.’ He said and then sighed. ‘Dean, you told me how horrible it was- living in that future. You said that you both hated the situations you were in and that you both… needed someone. So, no, Dean. I don’t think you’re selfish. I can imagine why you’d turn to each other for… comfort.’

Dean smiled. ‘You’re way too understanding about all this, you know that?’ He said, and really meant it too.

Cas smiled back at him. ‘Perhaps.’ He said, though after a few seconds, his smile fell. ‘Dean, it does make me wonder though.’

‘Wonder what?’

Castiel took a moment to reply. ‘If… Well… whether you actually want me now for… me, or if all this, and… also that kiss we shared was just you trying to recreate what you shared with him.’ 

‘What?' Dean said surprised. 'Cas, no. It’s not like that.’

‘It’s not?’ Cas asked, looking uncertain.

Castiel could not be thinking this, Dean thought. He needed to clear this up, because it really wasn't like that. Cas couldn't be more wrong. 

‘No, Cas. Not at all… Listen, I’ve- Cas, I’ve always liked you.' Dean started to explain. 'Believe me, I have for a while, and those feelings- I’ve had those for like… way before I’d even met that other version of you. I just… I think that it just took me spending time with him to realise that I felt this way, you know?’

Cas was frowning at him. ‘I don’t get that.’ He said. 

‘Cas… Look, I know it’s stupid, but before… I wasn’t really all that comfortable with the fact that I was into you- and I guess, men in general for that matter.' He admitted, and Dean suddenly felt a little awkward. He cleared his throat before he continued speaking. 'And besides that, you’re an angel and-’

‘So?’ Cas interrupted.

‘So… you always seemed so… unattainable to me. Like… there was no chance in hell things would ever go anywhere with you anyways, so I accepted that. I never did anything about it and I was fine with the fact that we were just friends, because that was enough. But… that doesn’t mean that the feelings weren’t already there Cas, because they were.' He tried to explain. 'And… I liked him, Cas, because he was you; it’s definitely not the other way around. He was… he was so different than how you’re now, but I could still see you in him and… that is what drew me to him. So… the kiss and me telling you that I wanted you was not me trying to recreate anything; it was… that was just me no longer being able to hide what I felt- what I’ve been feeling and holding back for so long. Cas, you… you’re the one I’ve always wanted.’ He said earnestly. 

Dean then stared at Cas and he looked affected, but it also looked like he really didn’t know what to say.

‘But, you don’t want that, and that’s okay, Cas. I get it.’

After a short moment of silence, Castiel however, spoke up and his next words completely stunned Dean. ‘What if… I do?’ He said.

 _‘What?’_ Dean asked. 

He couldn't have possibly heard that right. Castiel wasn't interested, he had said so. Perhaps he had some feelings, sure, but Castiel was an angel and he wasn't interested in anything more than friendship.

_Right?_

Then Cas continued. ‘I’m- Dean, this is all new to me and… I feel like half the time I don’t even understand what I’m feeling myself, but… you’ve been honest with me, completely. And… I think I probably should return you the favour.’

‘Okay...’

‘Dean, I do like you, considerably, and… I am curious sometimes as to what it would be like to… to be with you.’ Castiel said.

Dean smiled, and almost couldn't believe that Cas was actually saying this ‘You _are?’_ He asked unbelievingly. 

Cas nodded. ‘Sometimes…’ He sighed. ‘Dean, sometimes, I find myself wanting things that I- that I’m not even supposed to want, and feel things that I’m probably not even supposed to feel.' He paused. 'But I don’t know, for some reason these feelings- these emotions, they scare me, Dean. ’

Dean made a face.

‘What?’ Cas asked.

‘Nothing.' Dean said. 'It’s just- I don’t know… You always seem so fearless to me; like you’re not afraid of anything.' Then he smiled. 'Hell, not all that long ago you called a fucking archangel you’re little bitch, Cas.’

Cas smiled as well. Then he said, ‘I only wish that were true.’

They were both quiet for a moment. ‘So… it scares you, huh?’ Dean asked finally.

Cas nodded. ‘Yes, and it’s not just that. It’s also what you told me… about what we could turn into, and… what you told me about what those versions of us had become… Dean, I don’t want us to turn into that and... I don’t want to become the person you described.’

‘Cas, hey.’ Dean said and moved from the bed and went to sit next to Castiel. Then he gripped the angel's shoulder reassuringly. ‘You won’t.' He said determinedly. 'That’s not something you need to fear; that won’t happen to us. Not if we don’t let it.’

Cas was now frowning, he looked doubtful. ‘You say that as though you’re sure but, you expressed to me before that you feared the same, Dean.’ He said.

Dean sighed. ‘You’re right, I did. And yeah, I guess I still do a little. But, Cas, I don’t believe that will happen to us- not anymore. Because, I will do anything to avoid that, and I’ll never let what happened to him happen to you, Cas. I promise you.’

‘What if it already is?’

‘What?’

‘Dean, what if I’m already falling?' Castiel asked quietly. 'I’ve already been losing some of my powers by being so disconnected from heaven, and I can feel them lessen and weaken every day, so what if that’ll only get worse? What if… slowly but surely, I already am turning human? Maybe it’s just a matter of time before we’re like that and I’m not an angel anymore. Before I’m exactly like him.’

Those words somehow really got to Dean and he didn’t know what to say. He knew about the fact that Castiel wasn't as powerful as he had been when they'd first met; Castiel had told him not all that long ago that being away and separating himself from heaven had affected his powers. But Dean had never thought about it the way Cas had.

Cas continued. ‘And it's not even just my powers I care about. It's... to me- Dean, it also almost seems as though every step towards you is another step away from heaven and…’ Cas lightly shook his head. ‘Despite the fact that I know what they’re doing is wrong, they are still-’

‘They’re still family.’ Dean finished for him. 

Cas nodded. ‘Yes, and I don’t want to lose them- not completely.’ He said. 

‘I get that. Cas, I do. And when it comes to them, I don’t know how it’ll play out; maybe you’ll be able to fix things with them, and maybe not. I wish I could tell you. But, Cas… what I can tell you though, is that whatever happens, we won’t become like them. Not ever. So… stop worrying about that, okay?’

After a second Cas nodded. He didn't seem totally convinced yet, but Dean could tell that he did feel a little reassured. Castiel sighed before he spoke again. ‘Before I met you, everything used to be so much simpler…' He said. 'I did as I was told, always and without question. And I always was certain that what I did- what we did was just and… righteous.' Then he smiled. 'Things were a lot easier back then.’ He said.

Dean was smiling too. ‘And then I went and screwed everything up for you.’ He said.

‘I wouldn’t put it like that, but… yes. You do make me doubt- make me question everything I’ve ever known...' He smiled before he added, 'You’ve had quite an impact on me, Dean Winchester.’

Dean was still smiling as he said, ‘Cas, I’m glad you came. Talking things out like this, it does feel… kinda good, doesn’t it?’ He said 

Dean honestly did feel better compared to how he'd felt before their talk. They really hadn't left things on a great note last time and though things between them were definitely still a little weird, Dean nevertheless did feel better about everything. He'd never been the biggest fan of talking, but he still had to admit that being honest with each other like this did feel good. 

‘It does.’ Castiel replied. 

‘But?’

Cas sighed. ‘But, I still don’t know- Dean, where do we go from here? I mean, I’m glad that we talked, but… where does this leave us? What... do we do?’ He asked and then looked at Dean questioningly almost like he had all the answers.

‘You mean, in terms of…?

‘Us.’ Cas clarified. 

‘Oh, uh… we don’t have to do anything, Cas.' Dean started. 'The fact- the fact that you have these feelings doesn’t necessarily mean you have to act on them, and... you were kinda right in saying that this really isn’t the time. It's true that we shouldn't lose sight on what's important right now. We do have to stop Lucifer.' He paused. 'And… you obviously also still have some reservations, so if you’re not ready, Cas, then that’s okay.’ He said.

‘I don’t know if I am.’ Castiel said.

Dean smiled at him reassuringly. ‘And that’s fine.’ He said. 

Castiel really hadn't needed to say it, because Dean already knew. Cas wasn't ready for anything more and Dean found that he really was okay with that. And he understood; Cas still had doubts and was still uncertain about him, and Dean also knew that those doubts and reservations were more than valid. 

So, he wasn't going to push this time and he wouldn't screw up again. Dean still wanted Castiel, however, he'd wait. He'd give Castiel his space and he definitely wasn't going to come on to him again anytime soon. He'd let Cas come to him when he'd be ready. And even if he'd never be, Dean'd respect it.

Dean then noticed that Cas was smiling at him, eyes bright, and suddenly the angel was pulling him into a hug. It was unexpected, but really nice nonetheless.

After a few moments, Cas pulled away again. He smiled as he looked at Dean. ‘Goodbye Dean.’ He then said.

A few seconds later, Castiel disappeared and Dean was alone again. Still, he felt much better compared to how he'd felt when he'd gone to sleep the night before.

They were good again and that meant everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just realised this update took me two months... Much longer than usual but I've been so busy with uni and this chapter was a bitch to write. Buuut.. the chapter is longer than usual so that's something, right? I hoped you liked and it wasn’t too cheesy or ooc lol. If you want, please let me know what you think! x


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo this takes place before the events of 'Swan Song'. Just so you know :)

So much had happened to them in the past couple of weeks. And honestly, Dean realised he and Sam were incredibly lucky to still be alive after all that they’d been through. 

First, there had been the whole thing with the Whore of Babylon. They'd stumbled across this little town in Minnesota, and it didn't took them all that long to notice that something weird was going on. It took them a minute to figure out what was actually happening, but once they did... It really was crazy what she was doing to that town and the amount of influence she had over it. 

Fortunately though, he, Sam and Cas had been able to stop her; they'd managed to kill her, and it really had felt good to get a win for once. 

Yet, what Dean had found strange though and what had unsettled him somewhat about the whole thing was Cas; Cas who’d shown up drunk when they’d called him for help. 

They had needed some angelic assistance and so Sam had called him. However, both he and Sam had been pretty surprised by the state the angel had been in; Cas had been completely hammered. Apparently he’d gone looking for that liquor store after all...

Though it wasn’t that Dean blamed him, because he understood. He really did; Cas simply had needed a break from everything that was going on. Even if it was just for a little while. 

Dean knew that the angel liked to act all stoic, kept together and like he was totally in control of everything, but Dean knew better. He knew Cas, probably better than anyone else, and he knew that all that they were dealing with was starting to take a toll on him.

Because for one thing, there was the apocalypse; Cas desperately wanted to stop it from happening, feeling like he needed too, like it was his responsibility. But then... he had no idea as to _how_ to stop it. And then there was Heaven; Cas was being hunted by his own siblings- his family, and that totally sucked, because Cas missed them and wanted to belong again, yet all they wanted was his head. 

And then... then there was also the whole mess with their relationship.

Still, Dean really hoped that the whole ‘showing up drunk thing’ wasn't going to be a regular thing.

Not all that long after they’d dealt with her though, did he and Sam got themselves into another situation. God knows why, but they had found themselves in this hotel with basically all the gods... Odin, Kali, Ganesh, Baldur, Mercury; you name it. Eventually, Gabriel and Lucifer had shown up as well, which made the whole thing even better...

Needless to say, it had all gone very bad very quick, and long story short, Lucifer killed everyone except from them and Kali. Surprisingly, it had been Gabriel who had helped them escape. Still, it really had been a close call.

The upside of it though was that Gabriel did let them know that there was a way to stop the apocalypse and Lucifer after all. Apparently, if they managed to get all four horsemen rings, they would be able to put Lucifer back in the cage. 

Learning about this had just been the greatest thing, because he, Sam, Bobby and Cas really had been at their wits' end; they had been so desperate for a solution... Dean really didn't understand why Gabriel had found it necessary to give them the information through fucking porn, but then again, he guessed that the thing that mattered was that they knew.

Apart from that, there had also been the whole thing with Adam. 

If Dean had to be honest, he hadn’t really liked the kid; in his opinion, Adam was a stubborn know-it-all that also wouldn’t listen to a single thing he or Sam said to him and it had been so fucking frustrating having to deal with him. Nonetheless, it still sucked that they’d lost him. Things had gone so wrong at that warehouse...

It hadn’t really been that great of a plan to begin with; Cas would walk in, angel banishing sigil carved in his chest, and banish all the angels inside. Then, he and Sam would go in, get Adam and he’d be saved.

Unfortunately though, it all hadn’t exactly gone according to plan; the whole thing had been a fucking trap and it turned out that the angels didn’t even want Adam as Michael’s vessel to begin with. It really had been Dean himself they'd wanted all along. They had only been using Adam as bait. 

And they’d lost him. 

Though again, there was an upside to what had happened, because Dean finally got to kill Zachariah and man, had it been satisfying to stab that slimy son of a bitch in the face... It truly had felt great, especially after everything he’d put them through.

Afterwards, Dean had been worried out of his mind about Cas though. After it all had gone down and after Cas had banished himself, he was nowhere to be found and also wasn’t picking up his phone and Dean really had been fearing the worst. 

He’d honestly been so damn scared that Cas was really dead for good this time, that he was gone. Therefore, the relief had been enormous when he finally received a call from the angel saying that he was okay. Apparently, Cas hadn't been really hurt, only his batteries had been drained a little. 

However, that still didn’t seem to stop him from saving their asses from Pestilence at the hospital. 

It had been pretty badass.

 _‘Well, look at that.’_ Pestilence had said. _‘An occupied vessel, but powerless. Oh, that’s fascinating... There’s not a speck of angel in you, is there?’_ He’d taunted.

And Cas had just grabbed Ruby’s knife and cut off the horsemen’s finger like it was nothing. _‘Maybe just a speck.’_ He'd said.

It had been impressive; even without any of his powers, he got the job done. Even without them, Cas was pretty damn awesome.

Dean was also glad to say that things between him and Cas were good. Mostly they were, anyways... Dean felt that ever since their last talk, things were going much better between them; they were both able to act normally towards one another and so things didn't feel as uncomfortable as they had been before. Dean was really glad about that. 

Cas hadn't approached him since the last time they spoke and Dean hadn't really reached out to Cas either. And it wasn't that they were purposely ignoring everything that was going on and everything that had happened between them; it was just taking the backseat for a little while. They obviously had more important things to focus on.

But it was good, and Dean felt that lately, they both really were a lot more focused on finding a solution. And, progress definitely had been made; just a few days ago, they’d gotten Death’s ring too.

The last one.

Dean was happy about that, but man, meeting him in person had been absolutely terrifying. He didn't know what it exactly was about him, but the guy had been scary and intimidating as hell... 

Still, he had gotten what he'd came for in the end and so, they had all four rings- meaning they could put Lucifer back in the cage. 

So, for the first time in a long time, Dean had found himself hopeful again. He'd actually thought that maybe there really was a light at the end of the tunnel. However, then Sam of course had to go and screw it all up, coming to him with the idea to let Lucifer possess him in order to actually get him in the cage. 

Dean had hated the idea at first and he’d downright refused it; telling Sam that there was no way that he ever was going to allow that to happen. However, as the days went by and no other solutions presented themselves, the idea unfortunately did start to make sense to him more and more.

He’d talked to Bobby about it this afternoon. 

_‘What are you afraid of? Losing, or losing your brother?’_ Bobby had asked him and the words still rang through Dean’s head. 

To be honest, Dean was afraid of both. However, he really couldn’t decide which of the two situations he actually found the worst. Because losing to Lucifer would be bad- would be very, _very_ bad. But then again, the alternative was almost just as awful: winning, but losing Sam. 

And now, if things worked out according to their plan, that would be exactly what was about to happen and fuck, did Dean feel terrible about that prospect.

Dean buried his face in his hands. 

He needed a drink.

He was about to stand up and make his way to Bobby's kitchen when he heard a knock on the door.

Dean looked up. 

Cas was there, standing in the bedroom doorway.

‘Cas, hey.’ 

‘Hello, Dean.' Cas greeted back. 'May I come in?’ He then asked after a second.

Dean nodded. ‘Yeah. Yeah, of course.’ He said.

So, Castiel softly closed the door and then took a seat next to him on the bed. He looked at Dean for a moment. ‘Are you alright?’ He then asked.

Dean sighed and shook his head. ‘No.’ He answered quietly. 

There really was no use in him pretending otherwise. Because he felt so, _so_ horrible and had so for hours. He couldn't sleep, there were too many thoughts in his head, too many worries. And all that he could think about was that he was going to lose Sam tomorrow, the one person he loved the most.

‘You’re concerned about Sam.’ Cas said, giving him a compassionate look.

‘Yeah.’ Dean shook his head. ‘You have no idea.’

Cas nodded and said nothing for a moment. ‘Dean, you can talk to me.’ He then said finally.

Dean let out sigh. While he appreciated what Cas was trying to do, he honestly didn't feel much like talking. 

Still, after a few seconds, he started anyway. ‘Cas... I’m just- I’m terrified.' He paused. 'My whole life, I’ve been- I've been trying to protect him. For as long as I can remember, it’s been my job to keep him safe...’

‘I know.’

‘My dad, he used to tell me all the time that... it was my job to look out for him. And, you know... that’s what I did. That's what I’ve always done.’ He said and then looked Cas in the eyes. ‘But now… now, what? I’m just supposed to let him die? I'm just supposed to let Lucifer possess him and let him go to hell?’

Cas stared back at him, but took a moment before answering. It almost seemed like he didn’t know what to say. ‘Dean, I know this is hard-’ He started.

Dean huffed at that. ‘No, you don’t, Cas. You really don't.’ Dean said sharply, but regretted it straight away. 

And he couldn't help feeling like a dick, because sure, he was frustrated and feeling helpless about the whole situation but Dean was also perfectly aware that that was still no good reason to be an ass to the one guy that was always there for him when he needed him. 

Dean sighed. ‘I'm sorry, Cas. Didn't mean to snap like that.’ He added quickly. 

Cas looked at him and took a moment before finally responding. ‘No, you’re right.' He said. 'I guess I don’t know. I do have siblings, but you’re right, it is different... It’s far from what you have with Sam and... I can't imagine how difficult this must be.' He paused before adding, 'I only wish there was another way.’

Dean nodded. ‘We’re out of options, I know. I know that.' He said. 'It's what needs to be done, but… Cas, this is killing me, man.’ He admitted.

Then, Castiel moved to sit closer to him and gently laid a hand on his shoulder. Dean somehow found it weirdly comforting. ‘Dean. You'll be alright.’ He said, looking Dean in the eyes.

And while Dean wanted to believe him and while he found it kinda sweet that Cas was trying to make him feel a better about the whole situation, Dean still had trouble believing what he was saying. He sighed. ‘Really?' He said. 'Because, to be honest, I’m not feeling so sure about that.’ 

‘Dean...’

‘I mean, how will I live with the fact that I’ll be out here- _alive,_ while he’ll be in the cage- _in hell_ with Lucifer. _Forever.’_

Cas sighed. ‘Dean, I'll be honest. It won't be easy and I understand it's painful to think about- about a life without your brother. But... as awful as that may be, it is what needs to be done.’

‘I know.’

‘But… I meant it when I said you'd be alright, Dean.' Cas said carefully. 'I know how much you care about Sam and I'm sure it will be hard, but you're strong. You’ll get through it.’ He then paused before adding with a small smile, ‘I’ll make sure you will.’

That honestly melted Dean's heart a little.

‘Yeah?’ He asked. 

Castiel nodded.

Dean smiled. ‘So... does that mean you’re not gonna go straight back to Heaven as soon as Lucifer is taken care of?’ He asked again. 

Cas seemed to contemplate that for a few seconds. ‘When all this is over and Lucifer is dealt with... I still want to mend my relationship with Heaven, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be here too.’ Castiel answered eventually. ‘I could... I could still come see you. If you want.’ He then added almost shyly.

Dean smiled at that. ‘Yeah. Yes, definitely.’ He said.

Cas nodded, now smiling back at him. ‘Good.'

Then, suddenly - and honestly it was _the_ last thing Dean had been expecting - Cas was leaning in close and then... then Cas was kissing him. 

_Castiel was kissing him..._

For all of Cas’s lack of practical experience, Dean found that the angel was surprisingly confident. It was a gentle kiss, soft and sweet, and one so easy to get lost in. 

Castiel kissed him tenderly, lovingly, and without thinking Dean kissed him back. 

Though the moment his brain catched up as to what was happening, Dean pulled away. ‘Whoah, Cas, wh- what are you doing?’ He asked between breaths, feeling stunned.

‘I’m... I’m kissing you.’

Dean smiled nervously. ‘Yeah, I- I got that, but I mean, why?’ He asked.

Cas looked confused. ‘Dean, don’t you want this?' He asked, tilting his head. 'I thought-’ 

‘Cas, I do.' Dean said, interrupting him. 'God, you know I do. But... wasn’t it you who told me just a few weeks ago that us kissing was something you never wanted to do again?’ He asked. 

It wasn't that he necessarily wanted to bring that up again but Dean felt like he kinda had to. Because, was it right for them to do this? Was this something Cas actually wanted? In all honesty, Dean wasn't so sure about either and as much as he wanted to just go with it, he really felt that it wouldn't be right to just ignore those doubts.

Cas frowned. ‘That was weeks ago.’ He replied.

‘Seriously?’

‘What? I changed my mind.’ Cas said simply.

Dean sighed and got up from the bed they had been sitting on. ‘Cas, I- Not even all that long ago we talked and... and you were full of doubts and reservations...' He said. 'What happened to those? Am I just supposed to believe that you don’t have them anymore?’

Cas looked uncertain. ‘Well...’ 

‘Just- All I’m saying is that I think it’s a bad idea if we rush into anything right now.' Dean explained. 'And I know you might be thinking that maybe we won't make it tomorrow and that right now might be our only chance. But... that's not- this possibly being our last night is not good enough of a reason to jump into anything, Cas.'

'Dean, it's not like that.' Castiel said.

Dean however, wasn't so sure if he really believed that. He sighed. 'Okay. I just... Cas, I just want you to be sure and... all I'm saying is that I think you should think about this.’

‘Dean, what do you think I have been doing? I _have_ thought about this.’

‘And?’

‘And... I have come to the conclusion that I want this.' He paused. 'I want you, Dean. And yes, perhaps I do still have some doubts- some fears, but… that doesn’t matter.’

‘How can you say that?’

‘Dean… I don’t understand. Why are you suddenly so against this?’

Cas looked bothered now, so Dean sat back down next to him. Taking a deep breath, he took a moment as he tried to find the right words to explain. ‘Cas, I’m not- I’m not against it, okay?' He started. 'I just... I have been thinking about this a lot too- about us, and... to be honest, the more that I thought about it, the more I started to realise that…’

‘Realise what, Dean?’ Cas questioned before he could finish. 

Dean sighed. ‘That I don’t deserve it.' He said, and then more softly, 'That I don’t deserve you, Cas.’ He explained, staring down at his hands on his lap.

Cas shook his head in response. ‘Dean, stop.’ He immediately said.

Dean finally looked at him. ‘No, Cas. I hurt you, I know I did. You can’t just ignore that.’ He said.

‘You didn’t mean to.’

‘Okay, true. But I hurt you nonetheless, didn’t I? I mean, what I did... I _slept_ with that other you and... it didn't even cross my mind of how you'd feel about that. That was so _wrong_ and so unfair to you.' He said and then paused for a second. Dean huffed. 'And if that wasn't bad enough, when I got back I didn't come clean about it; no, I kept it from you and it took me fucking _months_ to finally be honest with you about it.'

Castiel sighed. ‘Dean, I know what happened, you don't need to remind me.' He said, sounding somewhat annoyed.

‘Cas, I know, just... What I'm trying to say is that what I did to you- it's so not okay.’

Castiel looked at him for a moment and Dean stared back at him. Looking at the angel, it was noticeable that Castiel was feeling a bothered and it was pretty clear to Dean that the angel hadn't particularly liked the reminder of what happened. ‘Well... it's in the past.’ He said nonetheless.

‘In the past?' Dean asked unbelievingly. 'Cas-’

Castiel sighed. ‘Fine, it’s true. You... did hurt me.' He admitted tentatively, interrupting him. 'I didn’t particularly enjoy hearing that you had been intimate with another version of myself, and… I guess that it still bothers me somewhat that you were- that you did that... But, Dean, we can't change what happened and I know that you never meant to hurt me.' He said. 

Then, they both said nothing for a moment.

It was Cas who was the first to speak again. ‘And Dean... you say that you don’t deserve me, but... I think I’m perfectly capable of making that decision for myself. And I think you do.’ He said.

Dean took a moment and contemplated all that Cas was saying, and in the end, he figured that maybe Cas kind of had a point. Because yes, he'd definitely made mistakes and had hurt Cas. But... if Cas was now choosing to forgive him for it, and if he wanted to move past it, shouldn't Dean be respecting that decision? 

Maybe... maybe it meant that it really was okay for them to move forward- to move past it. Cas did seem sure that it was what he wanted...

‘Yeah?’ Dean asked, still feeling a little unsure. 

‘Yes.’ Cas however, said resolutely.

Dean regarded Cas for a moment. ‘Okay...' He eventually said and he just couldn't help but smile at the sheer sincerity visible on the angel's face. 'If... If that's how you really feel.' He said, despite the fact he still didn't feel completely certain. 

'It is.' Castiel said.

For a moment Dean said nothing, not knowing what to say. Then, he tentatively took one of Cas's hands in his own. 'I'll try not to make you regret this.' He finally said.

The thing was, he really wanted to do right by Cas. But if Dean had to be honest, he wasn't so sure he'd ever be able to do that. But he'd certainly try.

It really seemed like Cas could read his mind sometimes. ‘You think it’s stupid that I’m choosing this for myself.' He said. 

Dean sighed. 'Well... yeah, kinda.' He confirmed. 'Don't get me wrong, I do want this and... I will do anything to prevent us from turning into those versions of us I met in the future. But... sometimes- Cas, sometimes, I still can't help but feel that you being with me isn't going to end well and... that I'll only end up hurting you eventually.' 

He remembered clear as day the words his future-self had said to him that one time they had been alone at headquarters, discussing his relationship with Castiel. _'We are poison to everyone around us, and Cas is no exception. You'll only ruin him.’_ The guy had said and while Dean didn't want to believe those words, sometimes he couldn't help but think they were true.

Castiel sighed and spoke after a minute of silence. ’Sometimes... Dean, I must admit, sometimes I'm also not so sure about this and you were right, I do still have some doubts and reservations, but... I'm done being scared and... I'm done being afraid of what _might_ happen to us in the future, of what we _might_ turn into.' He paused. 'So... if we'll make it tomorrow, I do want to give this a chance.'

Dean thought about that and in the end, he figured the angel sort of had a point. They liked each other, but up until now, they both had been too afraid to commit to anything. All this time, they had both been too scared to actually go for it, worrying too much about what the consequences might be. But... maybe worrying about that really was pointless. After all, Dean had learned from his time in the future and knew what _not_ to do.

He had learned from his future-self's mistakes, hadn't he? 

Dean smiled. ‘I guess... I guess I can get behind that.’ He eventually said. 

Castiel softly smiled back at him. 

Then, they were both quiet for a moment. Dean was the first to speak again. 'So, you ready for tomorrow?' He asked.

Cas nodded. ‘I think so.' He replied. 'What about you, Dean?’

Dean shrugged. ‘I don't know. As ready as I'll ever be, I guess.' He paused. 'Mostly I just want all of this over with. Win or lose.' He said. 'I’m just tired of it, you know? The apocalypse... Lucifer, this weight on my shoulders... I’m so tired of it.’ 

Castiel nodded. ‘I know what you mean, and… I feel the same. I guess we both feel responsible.' He said and huffed. 'We both _are_ responsible.’

Dean immediately shook his head. ‘No, Cas. You might’ve made some mistakes, but you’re not the one who broke the first seal and started all of this.’ He said.

‘Dean, you were in hell.’

‘And that makes it okay?’

‘Yes, it's not your fault.’ Cas replied. 

‘Well, I’d beg the differ.’ Dean said.

‘Now, who’s the stupid one?’

‘Cas-’

Castiel sighed. ‘You blame yourself for it- for everything, Dean. And yes, frankly I do find that stupid. Both Heaven and Hell have been manipulating you and your brother from the moment you were born, you know that.' He said.

‘Yeah, but-' Dean started, but Cas apparently didn't want to hear it.

'It’s what they do, isn't it?' Castiel asked instead, interrupting him. 'Heaven... the other angels- they manipulate and... they twist things. You know what they're like. I mean... they're dicks. None of it was your fault, Dean.’

Dean actually laughed. For some reason, he found hearing Castiel repeat his own words back to him just the funniest thing. It was probably since in general, Castiel's language use was always so formal and proper, and the angel hardly ever used words that could be considered as impolite. 

He really was a bad influence.

Still, Dean smiled at him. ‘Cas, thank you...' He said after a moment. 'For being here. I was... I was having the worst time before you came in.' He gave Cas a small nudge. 'You’re the best.’ He said.

Now that brought a smile to Cas's face too. 'I... I didn't want you to be alone. I'm glad you feel better.' He said.

‘I do.' Dean said. 'And... Cas, you being here and... you saying that you'll be there for me when Sammy is gone... You have no idea how much that means.' He confessed. 

Because to Dean, that knowledge meant everything. Soon, Sam would be gone and Dean almost couldn't imagine how hard that was going to be- how much that would hurt. However, he'd still have Cas and he'd still have Bobby to keep him going.

They would get him through it; he wouldn't be alone.

And Dean also had to admit that the thought that Cas actually wanted to give them a chance if they did manage to survive was even exciting him a little; despite everything that happened, Cas still wanted to give it a chance. 

Dean still almost couldn't believe Cas had actually just told him he wanted that, but he had; Cas had forgiven him and wanted to move past everything that had occurred between them.

Cas wanted to move forward and... Dean couldn't deny that he wanted that as well.

He really hoped they would get the opportunity.

As they looked at each other, Dean suddenly realised how close he and Cas were sitting on that bed. And all of a sudden, all that Dean wanted was just to... _God,_ he wanted to kiss Castiel. 

The angel was sitting right next to him, so closely. All that it would take really would be for him to just lean a few inches to the side...

In the end, Dean almost couldn't seem to help it; especially not when he caught Cas's eyes flickering to his lips for a second as well. 

So, a few seconds later, without any further thinking, Dean finally closed the distance between them, and kissed Castiel.

Dean kissed him a little hesitantly at first, but he quickly became more confident once Cas reciprocated. It didn't take long for Cas to be kissing him back almost enthusiastically and unlike the other two kisses he'd shared with this version of Castiel, this one... this one actually felt right. 

For one thing, this kiss didn't feel clouded by any uncertainty or doubts, in the way the others had.

This one was perfect.

When they broke the kiss after a minute, Dean couldn't help but smile. For a few seconds, he just stared at Cas, who suddenly was looking a little flustered and out of breath and damn, if it wasn't a cute look on him. 

‘Is this okay?’ Dean asked, after having caught his breath.

Cas gave him a soft smile. ‘Yes.’ He said simply.

And then it was Cas who closed the distance between them again.

For a while, they continued like that, kissing and exploring, and Dean enjoyed it; Cas kissed him eagerly and Dean kissed him right back, running his hands through dark messy hair. 

Dean loved every second of it.

Because finally, he was with the one person he'd wanted to be with for so long. Finally, he was with Cas and Cas was perfect; caring and sweet and hot and in the moment he was just everything that Dean wanted. He even smelled so good.

Dean cupped Castiel's cheek with one of his hands and looked at him, taking in the moment. As he did, the angel leaned slightly into the touch. 

And it was nice. For a moment, there was only him and Castiel. Nothing else. No stress about demon attacks, no worries about what Lucifer would do next, and no fear of what was still to come. It was just him and Cas, and it was nice to forget. To be distracted... 

‘I love you, Cas.’ Dean said after a moment.

It was very sudden, but Dean didn't care. Because, he meant it; he loved Cas, loved everything about him, and he had just needed to say it. Also wanting Cas to know how much he really meant to him.

In reaction, Cas looked surprised and stared at him with wide eyes. Maybe he was an angel, but from the look on his face it was clear that the significance of the statement didn't escape him.

‘You do?’ He then asked, sounding slightly bewildered.

Dean nodded.

Cas smiled.

It was funny really, how easily things could change; somehow, all those doubts and fears he'd had just a few moments ago were forgotten. He had been so unsure about them being together before, thinking that it probably wasn't the best idea and thinking that it would never work out, but... suddenly it was hard to see why. 

Not when things felt so right between them. 

_It’s a second chance, Dean. And I have faith you’ll change things for the better._

Dean wouldn't forget the other Cas he'd met, or the time he'd spent with him in that future... Thinking back on it, there maybe had been some things he shouldn't have done and things he could've handled better, yet, in the end, Dean really believed that it was for the best that he'd gone through it. 

It might've been a very fucked up future, and at times Dean had hated being there, but that all didn't take away from the fact that he'd definitely learned from the experience. 

So, Dean realised that this was his chance- _their_ chance to be better. A chance for them to do right by one another and to not turn out like those other two versions of them had turned out. 

He and Cas wouldn't make the same mistakes. 

They'd be better, and they would do it right.

And whereas he hadn't so much before, Dean could now actually see a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, he still had fears, especially when it came to Sam, and the prospect of having to go on without his little brother was still hard to think about. 

But... if they both lived tomorrow, he'd still have Cas, and in return, Cas would have him. And Dean felt sure that if things were to turn out like that, they'd get each other through whatever was still ahead of them. 

Looking at Castiel, Dean had faith and somehow, just knew he'd be okay.

They both were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so here it is finally, the last chapter! It's shameful how long it actually took me to finish this, I'm aware of this. So, I'm sorry to those that had been waiting for it all this time. Just, for some reason the writing of this chapter didn't actually go so smoothly and besides that the past months were also pretty busy for me... Yet, I hope you still enjoyed it and it didn't disappoint! 
> 
> Personally, I'm not too thrilled about this chapter, but I am still glad that I wrote this sequel since it does resolve things between 2014!Dean and Cas. I'm not sure if I will continue writing things for this verse, I guess we'll see. I think everything is pretty much resolved now, but if you have prompts or ideas about any continuations or things you'd like to read, let me know.
> 
> Thanks for reading anyways, I'd love to hear your thoughts!


End file.
